as with Escher ...

... when it comes to her ubiquitous presence at college campus flea markets, Georgia O'Keefe never made it as one of my favorites, but here, I'm in ...

I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way -- things I had no words for.*

... and the strength of my shared sentiment often keeps me from putting words on a page. so but this is getting in the way of professional advancement even as it is healing me, personally. i've just returned from a conference where i was asked to advise some graduate students, and i kept thinking, "really?!" because my own path hasn't easily conformed to the conventional "scholarly" path we all know, hopes for paradigmatic change notwithstanding. most of my advice came with a warning (reminder?) of my, ahem, "status" in the field. i don't know if i should have said one word.

so but anyhow i'm working on maintaining my identification with O'Keefe's pith-factor, here. but at the same time, i need to find the words. all of this is a way of saying that i need to finish that chapter (dressed up in fancypants efforts to get after a desire). some day, i will write about this resistance -- i tried to articulate it via film at a conference a few years back but i fear that work of that kind is relegated to "hobby" status. that's fine. i know of institutional constraints. and i do love my book (i hate it, as well, and this. is the challenge).

nb: yes, even this O'keefe quote has become ubiquitous, with good reason, imho.

* from the Foreword in the catalogue of her show at the Anderson Galleries in New York, 1926

what happens between "hidden" and "plain english"?

nothing here on the performance aspects of twitter. the video elides the possibility of fantasy, humor, the real agent-enacted hopes of/for career/dating/etc. forms of networking. so it essentially presumes that tweets tell what people are actually doing rather than what they wish to articulate as the nature of their activities/lives/selves. perhaps a response video is in order? still, for the basics ...

dear shirtless, sweaty dudes using the interior campus hallways as your track,

your sweat is schkeeving me out. use the designated indoor track. come on.

professorily civilized and curmudgeonly yours,

dr. bonnie kyburz

just found a parking space ...

#cw09

hipster interview

so my friend, filmmaker Andy Blubaugh, is blogging about what is sure to be his fabulous new feature film. i have always loved Andy's style and method. i especially love the personal nature of Andy's films and their ability to move us both with and also beyond Andy. essentially, i like how Andy's films motivate us to think more complexly about certain, deeply human and (that is to say) problematic concerns.

recently, Andy and i chatted about some of the stylistic (more generally, rhetorical) aspects of his new film, The Adults in the Room. here is how that went. and here are some clips. enjoy.

like a virgin

so while i have been working with computers in the teaching of writing for something like forever (since 1992, let's say), i have not written much about that work, nor have i attended the Computers and Writing Conference. 

i almost attended when the conference was in Detroit but didn't. travel budgets being what they were, i couldn't justify it. now, as i continue to emerge as ... eh, let's not give it a title ... someone who works with computers (most recently as a digital filmmaker), well, it makes sense, the extra effort. so tomorrow, i fly to Davis, CA, to attend C & W 2009. i had decided to go and pay my own way, but happily, our department Chair "found" some money (i love it when that happens!), so i'm getting financial help to go do this thing i both should and want to do. yay.

but here's a thing (this is the therapy part, so if you're not into personal spillage, stop reading here): something that's happened as my career ID has been shifting? i have lost a LOT of confidence. oh sure, it wasn't just about becoming (oh, hell) a new media "person," actually producing and sharing what i do with computers; there was also (major, and probably by now pretty boring for my readers, but this is my therapy) the loss of my role as a WPA last year -- devastating. also, devastating family drama, life in general and the world we live in, and etc., etc. 

and but so one critical upshot of all of this lost confidence is more anxiety, ESPECIALLY when traveling. now, i don't mind flying. i actually like it a lot, although it's true that i used to cry on airplanes (ever little noise ... i was a sad mess). no, my anxiety is about the preparations, specifically: 

1.) what to pack? 

2.) when to leave for the 45 minute drive to the airport? (and the related anxiety of arguing with Mike about my choice because he always thinks i pick "too early")

3.) how many potty breaks to expect because of my DI and/or my anxiety-related "other needs"? 

4.) double check the aisle seat designation

5.) take stomach-calming medication, and etc., etc. 

i sometimes work myself up into a burbling mess the night before, and sometimes it waits until the morning of the flight. these days, i take pre-emptive potions and tinctures as a way of apprehending the anxiety before it starts. i am currently drinking Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Extra tea, which contains 25 mg of valerian root,  and it is lovely and calming; i am also now attempting to use this writing as a way of naming my fears so that i may possibly begin to think about possibly coming to understand, laugh at, and overcome them. oh, and i also have a Robinul Forte, an Alprazolam, and a Hyomax near my bedside, the first two poised for consumption (a nightly, doctor-recommended ritual), the second, in case i am unable to transcend the gastro-funk (again, doctor recommended).

see, i desperately want to be the person who feels good about traveling. i want to feel good. i want to be carefree. i am devoted to achieving these goals, especially prior to my Big European Tour (ever? hello?), but it's also a very humble goal for girl whose identity seems to avoid her very own attempts to capture, understand, and name it (which is, ironically, often what goes on at these conferences ... a pattern??). 

i may decide that this writing thing, right now, is good. i may even take my laptop to sessions and take notes, blogging them later. i usually try simply to be present, to take it in. we'll see when i get there just how i feel about this choice. for now, i feel generally pretty good, and hey -- i have at this point only drunk the tea. but so as for my long-term goal, i long to lose the meds, and i'm going to use my writing to aid me in the effort. you've been warned: this could get messy ...

refreshivising (10 things)

some of my speculation will seem self-defeating, but i assure you that i am in a very fine and decent mood, contemplating my reality as opposed to striving in ways that (often) disappoint and frustrate. even within my self-doubt*, however, i feel renewed in my efforts, however limited and/or limiting or otherwise less-than-ideally grandiose and appropriate to the academic's sense of largesse. aka, it's fine.

so then, the list:

1.) finish Kairos revision.
2.) advance house projects: master bath caulk project, new house #'s, organizing office, continue creating Mike's separate office out of what has become the "storage" (aka "dumping") room.
3.) pull weeds & general yard work.
4.) continue exercise plan. i have been p-r-i-t-t-y dedicated, i must say, and i'm very pleased with myself. no one reads blogs anymore, right? so, i can say things like this :)

5.) get back to reviews of literature for book project even as i feel somewhat defeated about print publishing and, as is often the case, more invested in delivery via live performance (fancy!), preparation for which gorges on my time.

6.) continue drafting introduction and early chapters of book project.
7.) maintain contemplative mood re: whether a book will be/is necessary, given my status at my institution and seeming inability to land a new job (i had considered placing some cursing symbols here, but i'm increasingly chill about it, despite collegial notes about "not giving up" ... life is short ...), even as i am hopeful about new publishing venues/opportunities appearing in my inbox like shiny magic :)

8.) continue filling in my film history by catching up on docs and indie classics.

9.) discover a new look for my insane and schizophrenic hair.

10.) redesign main web page and links.

* which is obviously a function of The Grand (Academic's) Success Narrative.

w/ the fam ...

Recently, i went to Atlanta to say "good bye" to an old friend, Frank Mullen (aka "Frank-o"), my former brother-in-law and father of my nephew/godson, Kyle. Frank loved his life and enjoyed it like no one I know. Every bite of toast, every sip of Coke, every band gig, or chat with a friend was filled with Frank's desire for laughter and delight, and he always found it. What an awesome friend. In Highschool, I was pretty fat, a loner ... didn't get invited to any of the big dances, but Frank invited me to my school's Homecoming ... even showed up with a corsage (!), just like a "real" date. And we danced like goobers in the dry ice, sipping rum he'd brought, mixed with the school-sponsored cokes.

There are too many good memories to share, here. He was way too young (48). Still, many of us are relieved that his suffering is over.

Last Saturday (05/09/2009), as I was flying toward Atlanta, I had a feeling I'd miss my chance, and as it turned out I didn't get there in time to see him before he passed away at 9:15 that evening.

The week I spent in Atlanta was filled with silence and prayer and joking around and memories and reconnecting. Recalling Frank's life and his impact on me revitalizes ... renews me in my efforts to seek The Pleasure; life and work and striving can grind it down, and, regrettably, I've been quite expert at letting it all happen. but so Frank-o reminds me that I must f*ck the bullsh*t (profound, n'est-ce pas?). and so here is a great picture (2005, by Jim Stawniak via Atlanta's Creative Loafing) of Frank doing his thing, taking pics at a rock show (see his portfolio for more).

Mostly, I am and will always be grateful that I was able to spend such an intimate time with Carrie (my sis, Kyle's mom) and Kyle. It's so truly humbling and remarkable when people let you into the depths of their lives ...

nb: to read the captions and enlarge, click on any image to get to the album in Picasa. i recommend that you view via "slideshow." By way of explanation: many pics are in Kyle's room, which i redecorated while i was there (my "gift": i like to make the pretty). Shoutout also to Carrie's current husband, Rob (thanks, Rob!).

caps

i hate capital letters. i can't fully explain it. but as a new project in working conventions, i'm converting references (in links, @ right) so that names and titles are properly capitalized. this, as part of my ongoing my efforts to figure out what is wrong with me (ha!) and in my attempt to fix myself (HA!). i hope this helps. and, until you are "converted," please be patient.

this is painful. i hope you appreciate my gesture.