the plan is not (?) the thing

ever since i started rendering my plans in writing, publicly (i'm talking about my book, but also, to a smaller degree, 2-3 film projects), i feel as though i am getting it done. it's great, this feeling of accomplishment. but, um, i haven't done much. but see, that's wrong. all wrong. because i've been thinking through a lot of things, preparing moves, making some (however tiny), and it's all moving the project(s) forward. i've got some pages . . . some new scenes mapped out, some hope that some of this stuff i do matters.

while i'm on the self-pity note . . . it's about time for the Sundance Filmmaker Labs to begin (warning: preparing to whine). i've been lucky to get to participate a couple of times, saw some fabulous work, established figures and emerging new talent. but this year, i'm not expecting anything. i think i'll even have to develop a nasty attitude about it (but i don't have one, in reality . . . maybe just a little). you see, two years ago, i was supposed to have a role at the Labs. i was pretty much promised an audition, at least. my hopes were soaring. i had begun studying acting thinking primarily about getting a gig at the Labs because i do not have delusional thoughts about my acting career. just wanted to work, and the local gig i wanted was w/ some emerging filmmakers and their evolving projects. at the Labs. you probably know by now that i did not get the audition; i was told very little by way of explanation, and i spent the whole summer angry and sad and really deflated over it. the following summer, i was positively supposed to get the gig as Meryl Streep's standin during the filming (on our campus!!) of Dark Matter. my agency didn't get me the job. later, extra-ing on a local project, an older, blonde extra said to me (she had been quietly staring for some uncomfortable time), "you should have gotten the job i just did." yes. she. had been. the standin. she looked nothing like MS but it was, i think, about height and someone she knew. so but even the woman who got the job thought i should have had it. it was horrible, driving past the set to my office every day. i kept thinking about what it might be like to get to watch MS on the set. as it turns out, the campus scenes did not include MS (the film screened at Sundance FF 2007, where i got to see it; it was okay), but had i been the standin that wouldn't have mattered. and now i'm going to have to apologize in advance because it's immature and absurd but i'm going to have to say it. in order to move on. w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r.

wow. enough of that. tomorrow, i turn 44. yipes. i'm sort of okay w/ it. i had a brain tumor in 1994 and ever since my surgery saved me, i figure it's icing (hopefully on a delicious carrot cake - really - the only cake worth eating . . . i hope my husband is reading this).

ironically, we'll probably end up at Sundance Foundry Grill or maybe the Tree Room for my birthday dinner, so i'll have to get temper my vibe and work at not carrying w/ me that silly hope that someone from the Labs will be there and just naturally invite me to participate. nope. it's all about the cake. it has to be. and it's fine. they also have an excellent pinot noir , sometimes carry Latour (heaven), and the food can't be beat. it's pretty and still cool up there (Mt. Timpanogos @ the Sundance Resort ).

so but back to the whining. yes, i've had some disappointing summers, waiting for promises to materialize and trying not to take everything personally. but this summer, i'm trying to focus on my projects and not on the silent phone or empty inbox. i'm moving ahead (have i been watching too much idol?) as though i have something to say, something that wants to be experienced in a variety of ways (text, film, talks, etc.). and i'm working out (2 since i last whined about not working out). bought some fabulous 70's inspired shorts for my workouts (those bands around the legs are not terribly flattering, but they are quaintly nostaligic).