scary integrity check post ...

Justine (Kirsten Dunst),
Melancholia

... coming soon. See, i've been thinking a lot lately, following, 1.) my mother's recent death, 2.) the subsequent disruptions, 3.) the anxiety (LivE paNiC aTtacKs!!), 4.) the continuing job security issues (despite having tenure -- long story), and 5.) the ongoing anxiety about not completing alotta projects. It's all compelling me to look very frankly at just what i've been doing for all these years (professionally. i want to focus on the professional* choices). And while it will likely relieve readers to think that this brand of contemplation leads to reflection only upon my own choices, no. My choices are shaped by my situation (+!), so this reflection will worry the larger scenes of my professional life. 

And really, when i look at it boldly and truthfully, i wonder why i haven't heretofore hit the slide (like i did when i quit my job at "Mantrap" ... yes, an actual salon where i used to work as a hairdresser. It was called "Mantrap"). Of course, i realize that i am partially to blame for not gaining my Full Professorship (though a whole mess of ridiculous, offensive, and ADA-ignorant statements rounded out "the letter"). Still, i wonder if my way of handing the student evaluations (portfolio letters and student reflection -- no scantrons) wasn't a trigger for some implicit code that i unconsciously activated so as to ensure my failure. And if so, silly me. Also, maybe i was right to fail. 

But so this is scary stuff. But don't worry; i hope and believe that it may be instructive, for me, and maybe for you. Perhaps it will merely entertain in its audacity. i can't say. i'll be posting little by little ... 

* italicizing "professional" because it is party what is up for the worrying.
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